The All-Hands

The all-hands meeting is where leadership performs certainty for an audience that has none.

Someone stands at the front. Slides. Metrics that go up. “Headwinds” that explain why other metrics went down. A roadmap that looks like a promise but reads like a wish.

Q&A at the end. Nobody asks real questions because real questions get remembered. The person who asked “are there going to be layoffs” at the last all-hands was in the first round.

So everyone asks safe questions. “What’s the timeline for the new office?” “When will we hear about the benefits review?” Questions that perform engagement without risking anything.

The all-hands isn’t a meeting. It’s theater. And the audience knows it. They just can’t leave.